What If I Owned A Car?

I haven’t owned a car for about 7 years now.

I’ve discussed why on several YouTube videos but my two main reasons for this are:

A. In the modern era, you don’t need to own a car (unless you’re really into cars as a hobby or you live many hours away from the nearest city). Things like Amazon, DoorDash, grocery store delivery services, Uber, Lyft, ZipCar, and various other services make owning a car very redundant, even a little silly in the modern era. I’ve found that most people who own cars today do so for purely outdated emotional reasons (“Not have a car? Fuck that! I don’t want to wait 6 minutes for an Uber!!!”)

B. With my international lifestyle, owning a car doesn’t make any sense since it would sit idle in a garage 5-7 months a year (and continue to be an expense for me even as I wasn’t using it).

That all being said, I still have a valid driver’s license in the Collapsing USA. On my last trip there, I indeed had to drive Pink Firefly’s car for a brief errand. It was the first time I drove a car in several years.

I also sat in the passenger seat as she drove around Phoenix.

I had sort of forgotten what it was like to own and/or drive a car, so it got me thinking, “What would I do with a car if I DID own one?”

Again, I don’t want to own any cars and I never will. I’m just thinking hypothetically about what I would do if I owned a car.

First of all, it would not be a huge SUV that so many Americans like. These things are harder to park, harder to maneuver, harder to turn sharply, and guzzle way too much gas.

I would also not own a sports car. I did that for 20 years, enjoyed it, been there done that, and owning a sports car includes a whole slew of hassles (they always break down, they need to be babied, they’re expensive and difficult to repair, etc).

I’d own a very simple sedan, like I used to when I owned a car, a Mercedes, Lexus, or something like that.

The next thing I’d do is take it to a custom chop shop and have them rip out or disable a bunch of the electronics car manufacturers put in nowadays (likely because of a bunch of idiotic left-wing laws).

That stupid beeping thing when someone in the car doesn’t have their seatbelt on? Fuck that, I’d have that removed immediately. Yes, even if it violated some kind of safety standard.

I wear seatbelts whenever I’m in a car but if a passenger in the car doesn’t want to, that’s their business; I don’t need the fucking mommy car to blare an alarm at me. Fuck you.

Next, I’d rip out all of the geolocation shit in the car. No car company or government needs to know where I’m driving my own car, thank you very much.

Yes, I realize my phone already tracks me, but I choose to have that in my life, and when. And I can always leave my phone at home, jailbreak it, or destroy it if I want. No one asked me if I wanted my fucking car to report my location to big business/big government as well. Again, fuck you with this authoritarian nanny-state shit.

I’d install one of those windsheild-wide rear-view mirrors. They aren’t very stylish but they make driving a hell of a lot easier and safer.

I’d also install a radar detector. I had one of those back in the 80s and man, it saved me a lot of money in speeding tickets. Yeah, I know some of the mapping apps have speedtrap notifications, but nothing can beat a good ol’ radar detector for avoiding the authoritarian USA cops.

I’d spend extra money on the shocks and suspension and have the wheels jacked up a bit. I don’t give a shit if it looks weird or bad; I want a smooth-ass ride, even on the bumpy, pot-hole-ridden roads of the Collapsing USA.

I’d also have a full set of blankets, pillows, and other stuff in the trunk just in case I wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car. I’m not buying a car unless it’s a multi-purpose tool.

If I was a dork, and I am, I’d probably have a purple Decepticon symbol painted on the hood and the doors. Because… oh why not? Life’s too short.

Shit, while I’m at it, I might as well install a KITT Knight Rider red woo-woo scanner in the front of the hood.

Throw in a Flux Capacitor in the back seat too. Might as well go full nerd.

Wait a second. The Flux Capacitor would get in the way of having sex in the back seat. So, okay, let’s skip that for the moment. Sex with my PDMs and FBs is more important.

I think that’s about it. I’d be driving one of the weirdest cars on the road. And I wouldn’t give a shit.

But I still like not having a car.