You Guys Forgot How Cool Steven Seagal Used To Be

Or You're Too Young To Know

Today, emphasis on the word today, Steven Seagal is a joke. He’s a proven liar, arrogant to the point of ridiculousness, a total asshole to just about everyone, and has (allegedly, don’t sue me) committed sexual assault and/or harassment numerous times.

I’ve watched all the hilarious YouTube stories about Steven Seagal you have, and yeah, knowing him, they’re probably all true to a degree. He’s a sad sack story of titanic proportions.

Now that that’s out of the way, you guys all forgot something.

A long time ago, Steven Seagal was the coolest man in the WORLD for a period of about three years.

Between the years of about 1989 and 1994 or so, Steven Seagal was the coolest, greatest, most popular man in the world. Men wanted to be him (including me at the time). Women wanted to be with him. His movies made billions at the box office in an era when that didn’t happen.

The problem is that if you’re my age or older, you forgot about all of that. And if you’re younger than me, you either weren’t alive at the time or too young to know this happened.

But it did.

You guys see the Steven Seagal of today, a hilariously huge age, overweight bastard with dyed jet-black hair who brags about how awesome he is, makes up stories about his past, and does action scenes in his direct-to-video movies while he’s sitting in a chair because he’s too fat to stand up.

But it wasn’t always like that.

When I was a senior in high school in 1990, I wore a ponytail. Why?

Steven Seagal.

And I wasn’t the only one. A lot of guys did. Because everyone worshipped that man.

We had a lot of action heroes in the 80s and they were all awesome, but when Steven Seagal appeared, we had never seen anything like him.

He talked in a whisper. You could barely hear what he was saying. Very unlike the “Yo Adrian!!!” and “Get To The Choppa!!!” we were accustomed to.

In his movies, when he wasn’t killing bad guys, he would do shit like meditate, smell incense, and quote Chinese philosophy.

Dude. We had never seen anything like that before. At least not since Bruce Lee, but that was 20 years prior, and Bruce was a little Chinese guy, whereas Steven Seagal was a very tall, intimidating white man.

A guy in his movies would say something like, “I don’t know if we can take these guys down, Storm.” (Seagal’s name in movies was always something hilarious, like MASON STORM.)

And Seagal cock his gun and say in a whisper, “Yes we will, even though they have the numbers. You know why? Superior attitude, superior state of mind.” Then he’d shoot something.

You’d be a young man sitting in the movie theater watching this going, “Holy shit… this guy is AWESOME.”

Again, I’m not making a joke. This is how we all felt about Steven Seagal back then.

Today, men kissing women in movies isn’t allowed. The left-wing, woke, collapsing culture in which we live that you guys created by voting for the lesser of two evils for 35 years doesn’t allow it. But in the 80s and 90s, men in movies kissed the fuck out of women all the time. It was great.

But Steven Seagal… oh shit. He took that shit to the next level. When he made out with women in movies, he wouldn’t just kiss them. He’d grab their ass and squeeze it. Hard. He’d grab their tits too, right here on the movie screen for all to see. He didn’t give two fucks.

And again, you’d be watching this back then as a young man and you’d be going, “Oh FUCK YEAH.”

(Unfortunately, apparently he did that shit in real life too, including to women who didn’t want it, but we didn’t know any of that at the time, and that’s part of my point.)

He was also cool in real life (that we knew). He’d straight-up call Jean-Claude Van Damme a pussy. He said he could kick Chuck Norris’s ass.

At movie premieres, everyone on the red carpet always kisses the movie’s ass.

But not Steven Seagal. Oh no. He’d show up to that red carpet premiere with his flavor-of-the-month big-titted 16-year-old girlfriend (I’m not kidding) and the reporters would run up to him with their cameras and say, “Steven Seagall! What did you think of this movie?!? Wasn’t it great?!?!?”

And Steven Seagal would whisper, “No. It kinda sucked.” And then just walk off.

FUCK YEAH MOTHER FUCKER.

Now that’s a hero!

I recently watched Hard To Kill. What a horrible, corny, amazing, fantastic, epic movie that is perfect in every way whatsoever. God damn. They should put that movie on Mount Rushmore. Most people agree that Under Siege is the best Steven Seagal movie, and it’s great, but Hard To Kill is my personal favorite by far.

He’s an unstoppable ultra-badass who stabs dudes in the neck while banging hot 80s chicks wearing skin-tight dresses while saying corny stupid shit about how awesome he is. It’s just fucking amazing. It’s the kind of movie we’re not allowed to see today.

Senator Treant (bad guy): “And you can take that to the bank!”

Seagal whisper: “I’ll put you in the bank, Senator Treant. The BLOOD BANK.”

Overly Bombastic Music: DUN DUN DADADUNN!!!

And then I fist pump, yearning for better days when men could be total masculine assholes in movies and in real life, and we all loved it.

Alas, Seagal’s reign was brief. By the mid-90s, no one gave a shit anymore and he started making really horrible movies. And you know how the story ended and what he eventually became.

But for a few short years, dude, he was God.